So you don’t like your therapist… What do you do?
Maybe you’ve started meeting with a therapist, you’re a few sessions in, and you’re just not clicking. They’re kind, they’re asking good questions, but something feels off. You’re not sure if it’s them, you, or the process, but either way, you’re wondering what comes next. While this might feel stressful or overwhelming, many people seeking therapy have been in your shoes, including myself. A year or two ago, I started working with a therapist and just kept feeling like something wasn’t working. I’m an anxious person in general, so this was confusing and anxiety-inducing to say the least. In the end, I anxiously emailed the intake team and told them it didn’t feel like the right fit.
From someone who has been in your situation, you are not alone! It makes complete sense to feel unsure or conflicted about how to move forward. Even getting to therapy in the first place takes courage, so realizing that you don’t feel connected with your therapist after putting in the effort to start feels like taking a step backward. All the ways to move forward require some level of vulnerability, and that just sucks. If you’re feeling stuck, confused, or frustrated, you’re not alone. To help you figure out your next step, here are some options.
Option 1: Talk to your therapist about it
Awkward as it may sound, bringing this up with your therapist is often the best first step. If reading that automatically makes you want to throw up, I have felt that way, and I encourage you just to open yourself to the idea. Therapists are trained to handle tough and uncomfortable conversations. They won’t be offended or take it personally if therapy is not working for you. In fact, they’ll probably welcome the feedback because it helps guide the work. While it might be challenging, here are some things you could say to your therapist:
- “I feel kind of disconnected in sessions.”
- “I’m not sure this is the right fit for me.”
- “I feel like I’m not getting what I need out of therapy.”
From there, your therapist may be able to shift their approach, introduce a new strategy, or suggest a different therapy style that better fits you. And if it still doesn’t feel right, they can connect you with another provider so you don’t have to start over.
Option 2: Reach out to the practice
If the idea of bringing it up directly makes you feel panicky, you can always go through the intake team (if your therapist is part of a group practice). A quick message like, “I’d like to try working with someone else,” is perfectly fine. This happens more often than you might think. Therapists and intake staff are used to these requests, and the goal is always to get you matched with someone who will best support you.
Option 3: Find a new therapist on your own
While it’s not usually the most ideal route, especially if you leave without a conversation, sometimes it’s what feels possible. Meeting yourself where you are at and acknowledging the anxiety you feel is the best place to start, and the most realistic option might be moving on. If there are safety concerns, just know your therapist may still reach out to make sure you are safe. In those cases, it would be helpful to at least let them know you are safe, but you don’t have to explain more. Ultimately, you always get to decide who you work with in therapy.
Why it might not be working
Before making a decision, it’s also worth remembering that therapy, like any new relationship, can feel awkward at first. The first few sessions might not click because you’re still warming up to each other. If there isn’t something glaringly wrong, you might bring it up to them and give it a few more sessions to see if things naturally settle. Sometimes those initial bumps smooth out with time.
Additionally, sometimes therapy feels uncomfortable not because the fit is wrong, but because the process itself is hard. Sitting with painful emotions, sharing vulnerable details, and working through patterns you want to change can feel draining and even frustrating. That discomfort doesn’t always mean therapy isn’t working, sometimes it just means you are actually making progress. Sticking it out could give you the breakthrough you’re looking for. That said, it doesn’t mean you have to push yourself past your limits. If the pace feels overwhelming, that’s something to talk to your therapist about, too. Their goal isn’t to overwhelm you, it’s to help you move forward at a pace that feels safe and doable. Naming that can give your therapist the chance to adjust, so the process works with you, not against you.
Therapy is a unique and important relationship, and the goal is for you to feel supported, safe, and connected. That connection may take some time to grow, but if it doesn’t, you have options. Whether you bring it up with your therapist, ask your practice for a new match, or seek someone new altogether, know this: you’re not stuck. Your therapist is on your team and is working to help you grow, even if that is not with them. At the end of the day, therapy works best when it feels like a team effort, and you deserve to be on a team that feels right for you.
