If you are curious about non-monogamy, you are not alone! Nearly one-fifth of the U.S population has engaged in consensual non-monogamy (CNM) at some point in their lives (Psychology Today). Polyamory is a popular topic in pop culture and more common in queer relationships than heterosexual ones. There are many misconceptions (and judgements) about what it means to be non-monogamous. Whether you are interested in exploring CNM for yourself or learning about various relationship structures for inclusivity, you are in the right place!
Your Relationship Does Not Need to Fit Into a Box
It is essential to remember that there is no “correct” way to be in a relationship, whether it is fully monogamous or under the umbrella of CNM. The question is not whether monogamy or non-monogamy is better, but rather, “Does this relationship feel safe, consensual, fulfilling, and authentic to me?”
Exploring non-monogamy can be exciting and terrifying (speaking from personal experience). It’s normal to experience moments of uncertainty and for difficult emotions to arise. American society often paints the picture that the most acceptable relationships are heterosexual and monogamous; breaking out of that conditioned mold is a rewarding and vulnerable experience.
Understanding the Different Terms: What are All These Acronyms??
The term consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is an umbrella term for different styles of open relationships. The term ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is also commonly used.
Here are some common relationship orientations:
- Polyamory (shortened to “polyam”): The possibility of having multiple consensual romantic and/or emotional relationships, including hierarchical or non-hierarchical relationships. There are also multiple styles; for example, kitchen table (partners are close to each other and could share a kitchen table) and parallel polyamory (partners know of one another but do not interact).
- Open relationships: This term is commonly used to describe a relationship that allows for sexual and/or emotional connection with people outside the relationship, often with specific rules.
- Swinging: This is mostly (though not always) practiced by married couples who swap sexual partners with other couples or engage with others together.
- Relationship anarchy: A relationship orientation that incorporates anarchist principles (such as personal autonomy, anti-hierarchy, and a rejection of social rules) to interpersonal connections.
Other common terms in CNM:
- Polycule: A connected network of people in polyamorous/CNM relationships.
- Metamour (often shortened to “meta”): Your partner’s other partner. You share a mutual partner.
- Compersion: The joy you feel when someone you love is happy. While it comes easy for some people, feeling happy about your partner(s)’ experience with others is not required to have a healthy polyamorous or CNM relationship.
- Boundaries: What you will or will not participate in.
- Agreements: What partners mutually agree to within the relationship.
It is common for boundaries and agreements to shift over time within a relationship. Overly restrictive rules can sometimes create resentment or insecurity between partners, so it is important to create agreements collaboratively and revisit them as circumstances change.
It’s also important to note that this is not a comprehensive list, and that no orientation is inherently more ethical than another. The key is for the relationships to have explicit consent (every person involved is aware and agrees to the relationship structure without coercion), clear agreements, and ongoing communication. Also, while labels can be helpful to some, not everyone needs to define their relationships to feel safe and connected.
Start With Yourself: What Do You Actually Want?
When considering if non-monogamy is right for you, here are some vital questions to ask yourself:
- What does a fulfilling relationship look like to me?
- What needs do I have in relationships?
- What are my boundaries?
- What am I comfortable with and what am I not?
- Am I choosing non-monogamy because it aligns with my values, or because I feel pressured?
- What fears or expectations am I bringing into this relationship?
- What time, energy, and emotional capacity do I have for multiple relationships?
Remember, you do not need to have everything figured out before you begin exploring your relationship structure, and that consent is more than saying “yes”. Your relationship should involve continuous, enthusiastic, and informed consent, regardless of its structure. If you are agreeing to CNM under the guise of being afraid of losing your partner, or because you feel pressured, you may want to take a step back. You are also allowed to change your mind if something does not work for you, though keep in mind that your partner(s) may not feel the same.
Navigating Jealousy, Insecurity, and Communication
Jealousy does not mean you are doing it “wrong”. Jealousy is a normal human emotion and common in all types of relationships. Jealousy is information that provides insight into potential insecurities, fears of abandonment, comparisons, desires for reassurance, or, often, unmet needs. I recommend approaching jealousy with curiosity rather than judgement. Attachment style comes into play in any relationship, but it is especially prominent in non-monogamous relationships. Your nervous system might feel like it’s on FIRE! This is a common experience for many and does not necessarily mean CNM is not for you.
When difficult emotions come up, communication is paramount. Scheduling regular check-ins with your partner can help you talk about concerns before they become resentments. The Multiamory podcast is a great resource for all things CNM and has a helpful structure for relationship check-ins (R.A.D.A.R talks; learn about it here).
For further learning, I recommend the following books:
- Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
- Polywise: A Deeper Dive Into Navigating Open Relationships by David Cooley and Jessica Fern
- The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy: Your Guide to Open Relationships, Polyamory and Letting Go by Lola Phoenix
Building Healthy Relationships and Knowing When to Seek Support
The foundation of any healthy relationship is consent, emotional safety, honest communication, trust, and clear boundaries. Pay attention to whether your needs are being met in any relationship and if your boundaries and agreements are respected. It’s important to recognize that your boundaries and agreements may not be compatible with everyone, and you may need to accept that those differences could mean incompatibility in relationship orientations.
Keep an eye out for red flags (like you would in any relationship) such as coercion, controlling behavior, boundary violations, or abuse. Non-monogamy should never be an excuse for unhealthy behavior. You have the right to change your mind, renegotiate boundaries, or opt for a different relationship structure as your needs evolve.
Diving into the world of non-monogamy can bring up difficult emotions and can even be distressing at times. Therapy offers a nonjudgmental space to explore these feelings. Collaborating with a therapist who is affirming and knowledgeable about CNM can help you navigate these experiences more smoothly. Only you can decide if non-monogamy is the right relationship structure for you, but I hope this information serves as a starting place for your journey!
