Often, when beginning the healing process, we are told to accept the very things that have deeply hurt us. I personally have found that this can feel invalidating and confusing, making it difficult to engage with the healing process. As a result, we often return to avoiding the pain. Unfortunately, while avoidance may bring relief in the short term, it rarely resolves the hurt and only prolongs the process. Grief, heartbreak, and other painful experiences have a sneaky way of returning until they are acknowledged.
So, what does it actually mean to accept something that we struggle to accept? It helps to understand that acceptance is not approval. Accepting something does not mean agreeing with what happened, excusing it, or pretending that we should just move on. Instead, acceptance means acknowledging the reality of situations that cannot be changed so we can focus on what is within our power.
When we spend our limited emotional energy wrestling with realities beyond our control, we have less energy available for the exploration, actions, and relationships that can actually help us move forward. This stance is not helpful, and often leads to anger, frustration, and a sense of being at a loss about what to do. Before change can take place, we first need to recognize what has happened and distinguish between what we can and cannot change. Acceptance is about directing our energy towards what is possible.
This idea is captured well by an author I enjoy, Marcel Proust, who wrote, “We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” Experiencing suffering “to the full” does not mean we need to acknowledge and experience everything all at once. In reality, the process is often a slow, gradual buildup towards making contact with realities we have avoided. One week we may explore a difficult memory or emotion. Another week, we may make sense of how we relate to other people. I have found that over time, these moments of acknowledgment and exploration lead to greater understanding, resilience, and the ability to live a more fulfilling life.
But what does acceptance look like in practice? Genuine acceptance is simply, “I may wish this had never happened, but I recognize that it did.” The loss of a relationship, the impact of a difficult childhood, or the reality of an illness can be difficult to recognize. To practice acceptance, we do not need to stop feeling angry, sad, or disappointed. Rather, acceptance allows us to stop spending so much energy wrestling with reality and begin focusing on where we are today and what the next step is. That shift creates the possibility for change and the empowerment to make choices that align with our values.
Breaking the cycle of avoidance requires making contact with our suffering and acknowledging its presence. We cannot engage with our pain if we refuse to recognize that it exists. Acknowledgment is not approval. We do not have to approve of what happened to begin healing. We only have to be willing to acknowledge and encounter our situation at a pace that is comfortable enough for us to continue the process. From there, change becomes possible, and we can continue our lives with a rooted sense of empowerment and adaptability. If this article resonates with you, please do not hesitate to reach out. I look forward to learning about your experience.
