There can be a lot of pressure to know exactly who you are. We are often asked to put words to our identity: Are you gay, straight, bisexual, queer? Are you transgender, nonbinary, or cisgender? What pronouns do you use? For some people, those answers come easily, while for others, figuring them out can take time, and that is okay. One thing I have learned working with LGBTQ+ individuals is that identity does not always develop in a straight line. Someone may find a label that feels right for years and later realize another one fits better, while others may prefer not to use a label at all.
Research supports the idea that LGBTQ+ identity development involves exploration rather than one final moment of “figuring it out.” Warton (2026) interviewed LGBTQ+ young people about their experiences with sexual and gender identity development and found that identity development was often nonlinear. Similarly, Bishop (2023) found that sexual minority adults varied in the timing and order of important identity-development experiences. These findings remind us that there is not one “right” timeline or path for understanding your identity.
As a counselor, I think one of the most important things we can offer someone who is questioning their identity is room to be curious. Therapy does not have to be a place where someone comes in and immediately decides, “This is who I am.” It can also be a space to ask: What feels comfortable to me? What feels authentic? What am I curious about? What expectations from other people am I carrying? Exploring your identity might mean trying out a different name or pronouns with people you trust, learning more about different identities, connecting with other LGBTQ+ people, or simply sitting with uncertainty for a while. Exploration does not have to lead to one specific answer.
There is no deadline for choosing a label, changing a label, coming out, or understanding every part of yourself. A label can be helpful when it gives you language, connection, or community, but it does not have to become a box you are afraid to leave. Sometimes, “I’m still figuring it out” is a complete answer.
References
Bishop, M. D., Fish, J. N., Hammack, P. L., & Russell, S. T. (2023). Sexual minority identity development: Latent profiles of developmental milestones in a national probability sample. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 52, 2434–2448.
Warton, W., Bruce, O., Moseley, D., Byrne, M. L., Allen, K.-A., Hughes, A., & Johnson, B. P. (2026). Milestones, revisited: Iterative and nonlinear identity development in Gen-Z. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 36, e70200.
