For many of us, introducing ourselves by name or being referred to by the correct pronouns are things we rarely have to think about. For transgender and gender-diverse people, however, being called the right name or pronouns can carry much more weight. It can communicate something simple but incredibly important: I see you, I respect you, and you are safe to be yourself here.
Throughout my own journey working with transgender youth, I have learned how important affirming language can be for building trust. I find it especially important to make sure I use the name and pronouns a person asks me to use. It may seem like a small part of therapy, but I have seen how much it can matter. For some transgender folks, therapy may be one of the only spaces where their identity is consistently recognized. They may have family members, friends, teachers, or others in their lives who are still adjusting to a new name or pronouns, do not fully understand their identity, or are not ready to use affirming language. When a person is already navigating those experiences, I want the therapeutic space to be somewhere they do not have to repeatedly explain or defend who they are.
Research suggests that these moments of affirmation really do matter. Russell (2018) found that transgender youth who are able to use their chosen names in more areas of their lives report fewer symptoms of depression and lower levels of suicidal thoughts and behaviors. This reminds us that using someone’s chosen name is not simply about being polite. It’s one part of creating an environment where a person feels respected and accepted. Similarly, transgender and nonbinary young people told The Trevor Project (2024) that two of the most meaningful forms of support are: trust that they know who they are, and respect for their pronouns.
One thing I have learned in my work with transgender and nonbinary folks is that being affirming does not mean being perfect. I have made mistakes too. We may accidentally use the wrong pronoun or name. What matters is how we respond. Correcting ourselves, apologizing briefly, and continuing to make an effort can show a young person that getting it right matters to us. Working with transgender people has helped me recognize how powerful it can be to simply give someone room to be who they are. As therapists, parents, teachers, caregivers, and supportive adults, we may not be able to control every environment a person encounters. What we can do is help create at least one space where they feel heard, respected, and safe enough to be themselves.
References
Russell, S. T., Pollitt, A. M., Li, G., & Grossman, A. H. (2018). Chosen name use is linked to reduced depressive symptoms, suicidal ideation, and suicidal behavior among transgender youth. Journal of Adolescent Health, 63(4), 503–505. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2018.02.003
The Trevor Project. (2024). How to best support transgender and nonbinary young people. The Trevor Project. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/research-briefs/how-to-best-support-transgender-and-nonbinary-young-people/
Vandermorris, A., & Metzger, D. L. (2023). An affirming approach to caring for transgender and gender-diverse youth. Paediatrics & Child Health, 28(7), 437–448. https://doi.org/10.1093/pch/pxad045
