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Talking about sex can be hard, even in the best of circumstances. It\u2019s really quite normal to have concerns about your sexuality given the generally sex-negative culture we live in. Even in a profession as intimate as therapy, we still cordon sex off and make it a specialty (sex therapy) despite the drastic importance sex has on most people\u2019s lives. However, one of the values of working with a therapist well-versed and comfortable discussing sexual issues is that it creates space and the opportunity for you to consider possibilities that you might not have considered in the past. Further, sex really can\u2019t be separated from our identities, such as gender, sexual orientation, race, class, religious upbringing, and others. All different parts of ourselves come into the room when we want to be intimate, and that\u2019s why it can be valuable to bring sexuality concerns to a therapist.<\/p>\n
In my experience, the most important part of my journey was connecting to my sexuality in a space that was not inherently sexual. For many, including myself, we only really think about sex in the context of a partner(s), rather than taking time to explore outside of the mix of relational challenges. Exploring who I was within a container that included education, unconditional support, and nonjudgement was what I needed to begin letting go of unhelpful narratives and behaviors.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s so much bound up in our ideas and experiences of sex, but I once heard that sex is how adults play. If we think about sex from the perspective of play, it becomes clear that one of the first foundations we must introduce is safety. Do you have trouble finding safety, trust, and relaxation in intimate settings? This may be for any number of reasons, from sexual assault to feelings of shame and unworthiness. Maybe you\u2019re concerned that your desires fall outside of \u201cnormal,\u201d or you want to change your relationship style beyond monogamy. Maybe you\u2019re not interested in sex. Perhaps you\u2019re worried it has become an addiction. Or maybe your body isn\u2019t cooperating. Perhaps sex is painful, and you don\u2019t know why, or you can\u2019t \u201cperform\u201d like you think you should. Maybe you and your partner don\u2019t seem to match up sexually.<\/p>\n
Personal experience has shown me that any one of these questions leads to a rabbit hole of indecision and shame. When sex isn\u2019t working, for whatever reason, it creates or compounds feelings of something being wrong with you. It can be very tempting to ignore signs that you\u2019re uncomfortable, unfulfilled, or in distress. Kinks, non-hetero orientation, and non-monogamy relationship configurations are all ways of being that deviate from the rest of society, and this can create distress. Unfortunately, it\u2019s also quite common to seek support for sexual trauma and recovery. If nothing else, know that these concerns and issues are common and that there are approaches that can help.<\/p>\n
In therapy, you can work on skills such as communication and boundaries. You can explore your past to understand more about your sexual desires. Learning from a professional in an open and accepting space is sometimes exactly what\u2019s needed. Mindfulness is another avenue to explore sexuality. For all the talk these days about the importance of embodiment, having sex might be the place where you most want to be aware of the sensations you are experiencing. In my experience, women in particular are likely to get caught in a cycle of performance that distances them from their own pleasure. It can be much easier to follow a script that has worked in the past rather than taking a risk to interrupt patterns. Getting clear on what your body is saying can be the first step to unpacking what may be not quite flowing.<\/p>\n
Pleasure is the measure. Your sex life doesn\u2019t need to pass any kind of test. If everyone involved is enjoying themselves, then that is enough. There is a lot of information that can help you orient and understand that you\u2019re not alone, but at the end of the day the most important thing is that you feel connected to your own truth.<\/p>\n
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Talking about sex can be hard, even in the best of circumstances. It\u2019s really quite normal to have concerns about your sexuality given the generally sex-negative culture we live in. Even in a profession as intimate as therapy, we still cordon sex off and make it a specialty (sex therapy) despite the drastic importance sex […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2713,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"\n
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