Talking about sex can be hard, even in the best of circumstances. It’s really quite normal to have concerns about your sexuality given the generally sex-negative culture we live in. Even in a profession as intimate as therapy, we still cordon sex off and make it a specialty (sex therapy) despite the drastic importance sex has on most people’s lives. However, one of the values of working with a therapist well-versed and comfortable discussing sexual issues is that it creates space and the opportunity for you to consider possibilities that you might not have considered in the past. Further, sex really can’t be separated from our identities, such as gender, sexual orientation, race, class, religious upbringing, and others. All different parts of ourselves come into the room when we want to be intimate, and that’s why it can be valuable to bring sexuality concerns to a therapist.

In my experience, the most important part of my journey was connecting to my sexuality in a space that was not inherently sexual. For many, including myself, we only really think about sex in the context of a partner(s), rather than taking time to explore outside of the mix of relational challenges. Exploring who I was within a container that included education, unconditional support, and nonjudgement was what I needed to begin letting go of unhelpful narratives and behaviors.

There’s so much bound up in our ideas and experiences of sex, but I once heard that sex is how adults play. If we think about sex from the perspective of play, it becomes clear that one of the first foundations we must introduce is safety. Do you have trouble finding safety, trust, and relaxation in intimate settings? This may be for any number of reasons, from sexual assault to feelings of shame and unworthiness. Maybe you’re concerned that your desires fall outside of “normal,” or you want to change your relationship style beyond monogamy. Maybe you’re not interested in sex. Perhaps you’re worried it has become an addiction. Or maybe your body isn’t cooperating. Perhaps sex is painful, and you don’t know why, or you can’t “perform” like you think you should. Maybe you and your partner don’t seem to match up sexually.

Personal experience has shown me that any one of these questions leads to a rabbit hole of indecision and shame. When sex isn’t working, for whatever reason, it creates or compounds feelings of something being wrong with you. It can be very tempting to ignore signs that you’re uncomfortable, unfulfilled, or in distress. Kinks, non-hetero orientation, and non-monogamy relationship configurations are all ways of being that deviate from the rest of society, and this can create distress. Unfortunately, it’s also quite common to seek support for sexual trauma and recovery. If nothing else, know that these concerns and issues are common and that there are approaches that can help.

In therapy, you can work on skills such as communication and boundaries. You can explore your past to understand more about your sexual desires. Learning from a professional in an open and accepting space is sometimes exactly what’s needed. Mindfulness is another avenue to explore sexuality. For all the talk these days about the importance of embodiment, having sex might be the place where you most want to be aware of the sensations you are experiencing. In my experience, women in particular are likely to get caught in a cycle of performance that distances them from their own pleasure. It can be much easier to follow a script that has worked in the past rather than taking a risk to interrupt patterns. Getting clear on what your body is saying can be the first step to unpacking what may be not quite flowing.

Pleasure is the measure. Your sex life doesn’t need to pass any kind of test. If everyone involved is enjoying themselves, then that is enough. There is a lot of information that can help you orient and understand that you’re not alone, but at the end of the day the most important thing is that you feel connected to your own truth.

It’s easy to find ourselves overwhelmed and stretched thin within our personal relationships, our work commitments, or societal expectations. But by establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, we can protect our well-being and create a life that aligns with our values. Let’s take a look at the significance of setting healthy boundaries, and how they contribute to maintaining a healthy sense of self.

Boundaries are the limits and guidelines we set for ourselves and others in various aspects of life. They define what is acceptable and what isn’t in terms of our personal space, time, emotions, and relationships. Boundaries act as safeguards, protecting our physical and mental well-being from being compromised.

One of the most vital aspects of setting healthy boundaries is the preservation of emotional energy. When we establish boundaries, we can avoid emotional exhaustion by setting limits on the amount of emotional labor we’re willing to invest in others. It allows us to focus on our own needs and prioritize self-care without feeling guilty or overwhelmed. By doing so, we can protect our mental and emotional well-being by filtering out negativity and toxic influences, and by promoting positive and nurturing environments. By setting boundaries around our personal space and time, we can recharge, engage in activities that bring us joy, and practice self-reflection. Personally, although it was a very challenging task for me to embrace, setting boundaries with loved ones and even dismissing some important people in my life ended up being one of the best moves I’ve made. I no longer feel trapped in their toxic lives, and finally

feel free to focus on myself. Although I’ve missed some of these individuals dearly, I know these actions have allowed me more space to truly find myself and grow.

I can’t emphasize enough how crucial communication is when setting boundaries. It serves as a foundation for establishing mutual understanding, respect, and clarity in our relationships. We can then clearly express our expectations and limits to others. By openly discussing our boundaries, we provide others with a clear understanding of what is acceptable and what isn’t. This clarity helps prevent misunderstandings and promotes healthier interactions. We also gain a deeper understanding of our own needs, limits, and values through communication. By expressing our boundaries to others, we become more self-aware and develop a stronger sense of self. This self-awareness enables us to assert our needs confidently and authentically.

I’ve found that some of the most important factors when establishing boundaries are managing stress and burnout. By recognizing our limits and prioritizing self-care, we can prevent ourselves from taking on too much and spreading ourselves too thin. Boundaries allow us to say “no” when necessary, delegate tasks, and create a healthier work life balance. By doing so, we assert our personal autonomy and empower ourselves to grow. By establishing limits on what we accept and what we don’t, we create space for personal development, self-improvement, and the pursuit of our goals. Boundaries enable us to focus on what truly matters to us, leading to a greater sense of fulfillment. Again, this is all easier said than done, but let me tell you, communicating and saying “no” in certain aspects of my life has been a game changer. If you fail to communicate struggles or feelings of burnout to your work, friends, or family, they will never know what is actually occurring in your life and this stress can show up in damaging ways. Although the conversation may feel uncomfortable, take it from me, it is so worth it, and it gets easier!

In a world where demands and expectations seem endless, setting healthy boundaries becomes a transformative act of self-care. By understanding and respecting our limits, we nurture our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Setting boundaries allows us to maintain healthy relationships, preserve our energy, and protect our sense of self. Embrace the power of boundaries and watch as they unlock a life that aligns with your values and brings you joy and contentment. Remember, setting boundaries is not selfish — it’s an essential step towards a healthier, more fulfilling life! You deserve to have the opportunity to live your best life!