As the saying goes, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” We humans can forgive, too, and it often helps us to forgive people who have hurt us, even if it’s only in our own minds and hearts. It’s amazing how much this can free us from anger and pain. While it may seem almost impossible to do, letting go of a grudge can improve our health.

Reaching Out Beyond Oneself

Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela, a specialist in Transgenerational Trauma, explains that forgiveness can be “an incredibly frightening concept to embrace” (2024). Forgiveness requires an effort that can seem, at first, like excusing or forgetting trauma or betrayal. “Forgiveness emerges from both within and outside the place of hurt, and it requires a degree of intentional openness, of reaching out beyond oneself toward the other. Therein lies both its transformative potential and its moral ambiguity — and this is what is most frightening about forgiveness. The inward psychological journey necessary before we can forgive enables us to see the humanity of those responsible for our wounding, and, having forgiven them, admit them into our world of common humanity.” It is by releasing the emotional burden associated with the hurt one has experienced that starts the healing process.

Journey Toward Repair

Forgiveness requires us to let go of anger and a desire for revenge, which can leave us feeling that our issue remains unresolved. However, Dr. Gobodo-Madikizela clarifies by explaining that “what brought about the rupture must be mourned” (2024). We must move beyond bitterness and resentment in order to experience a sense of relief and peace. “Perhaps what we fear is the word “forgiveness” itself. It seems to suggest a fixed position or an ending, evoking the act of leaving something behind, moving on without looking back… Yet… forgiving stands as the opening of a new chapter, not its closure — the beginning of the journey toward repair” (Gobodo-Madikizela, 2024).

Benefits

Forgiveness helps us to shift our focus away from negative emotions and towards growth and healing. Holding on to grudges can lead to chronic stress, which affects mental and physical health. We reduce our anxiety and depression when we let go of our feelings of hurt and free up that mental and emotional space for constructive and positive thoughts and feelings. Our self-esteem improves, as well, as we realize we can handle difficult situations with strength and maturity (Singh & Singh, 2023). We can focus on our own growth rather than being consumed by negative feelings. Forgiveness also fosters resilience, as we realize we can bounce back from conflicts or setbacks more effectively and maintain better mental health in challenging situations. Lastly, forgiveness promotes better relationships. It fosters empathy, understanding, and trust, which are vital for meaningful connections with others.

Forgiveness is not about letting others off the hook, but about liberating oneself from the negative emotions that can otherwise take a toll on our mental and physical health. It is a powerful tool that promotes emotional healing, reduces negative emotions, strengthens relationships, and supports overall well-being. Integrating forgiveness into one’s life can lead to greater happiness, peace of mind, and resilience in the face of life’s challenges.

References

Gobodo-Madikizela, P. (2024, June 17). Why Do We Fear Forgiveness? The New York Times.
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/17/special-series/south-africa-apartheid-forgiveness-fear.html

Singh, G. and Singh, S. (2023). Effect of forgiveness on happiness and well-being. Indian Journal of Positive Psychology, 14(3).

Although anger is a prickly emotion to experience, it’s an important one to pay attention to. Anger can be a signal that a boundary needs to be put up or that a need is not being met.  Many people were never taught how to healthily express their anger and have learned to suppress this uncomfortable emotion. When we don’t express our anger in a healthy way or push it down, it can come out in other ways, such as reactivity or rage. Therapy can be a safe place to explore this anger and learn new ways to understand, manage and express it in a productive way. 

What Therapy Might Look Like

Therapy is a place where you can better understand yourself. A therapist can support you in managing your anger by first getting to know it. Where does it show up? What is your response to the feeling of anger? What are the drawbacks of expressing (or not expressing) your anger in this way? From here, your therapist may incorporate tools to help you become more comfortable with the feeling of anger without reacting to it. An example of this might be offering grounding techniques , such as naming the emotion or engaging your senses in some way. 

A Word on Radical Acceptance

Perhaps your feelings of anger stem from a situation or event that is out of your control. Another approach your therapist may use to help you address anger (or any painful emotion) is radical acceptance, a foundational skill taught within Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Radical acceptance means to fully acknowledge the reality of whatever circumstance is causing you distress. This can be applied to a recent death of a family member, a loss of a job, or processing a natural disaster. Although radical acceptance can be an empowering skill to develop in taking back control of your emotions, it is important to note what radical acceptance doesn’t mean. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you think the situation is acceptable. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you are throwing in the towel. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you are sweeping the issue under the rug. Ultimately, radical acceptance can be a valuable tool in managing anger and reactivity by allowing the reality of whatever circumstance you are in to exist, ultimately, diminishing your reaction to it. 

Whether you’re needing guidance to navigate and problem solve the source of your feelings of anger or support in moving toward radical acceptance, you don’t have to do it alone. 

Sources:

DBT Skills List. (n.d.). DBT Self Help. Retrieved March 16, 2023, from https://dbtselfhelp.com/dbt-skills-list/

Frazier, S. N., & Vela, J. (2014). Dialectical behavior therapy for the treatment of anger and aggressive behavior: A review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 19(2), 156-163. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.avb.2014.02.001

Linehan, M. M.(2015) DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). New York, NY, US: Guilford Press.

McKay, M., Wood, J. C., & Brantley, J. (2019). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook: Practical DBT exercises for learning mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance. New Harbinger.