Talking about sex can be hard, even in the best of circumstances. It’s really quite normal to have concerns about your sexuality given the generally sex-negative culture we live in. Even in a profession as intimate as therapy, we still cordon sex off and make it a specialty (sex therapy) despite the drastic importance sex has on most people’s lives. However, one of the values of working with a therapist well-versed and comfortable discussing sexual issues is that it creates space and the opportunity for you to consider possibilities that you might not have considered in the past. Further, sex really can’t be separated from our identities, such as gender, sexual orientation, race, class, religious upbringing, and others. All different parts of ourselves come into the room when we want to be intimate, and that’s why it can be valuable to bring sexuality concerns to a therapist.

In my experience, the most important part of my journey was connecting to my sexuality in a space that was not inherently sexual. For many, including myself, we only really think about sex in the context of a partner(s), rather than taking time to explore outside of the mix of relational challenges. Exploring who I was within a container that included education, unconditional support, and nonjudgement was what I needed to begin letting go of unhelpful narratives and behaviors.

There’s so much bound up in our ideas and experiences of sex, but I once heard that sex is how adults play. If we think about sex from the perspective of play, it becomes clear that one of the first foundations we must introduce is safety. Do you have trouble finding safety, trust, and relaxation in intimate settings? This may be for any number of reasons, from sexual assault to feelings of shame and unworthiness. Maybe you’re concerned that your desires fall outside of “normal,” or you want to change your relationship style beyond monogamy. Maybe you’re not interested in sex. Perhaps you’re worried it has become an addiction. Or maybe your body isn’t cooperating. Perhaps sex is painful, and you don’t know why, or you can’t “perform” like you think you should. Maybe you and your partner don’t seem to match up sexually.

Personal experience has shown me that any one of these questions leads to a rabbit hole of indecision and shame. When sex isn’t working, for whatever reason, it creates or compounds feelings of something being wrong with you. It can be very tempting to ignore signs that you’re uncomfortable, unfulfilled, or in distress. Kinks, non-hetero orientation, and non-monogamy relationship configurations are all ways of being that deviate from the rest of society, and this can create distress. Unfortunately, it’s also quite common to seek support for sexual trauma and recovery. If nothing else, know that these concerns and issues are common and that there are approaches that can help.

In therapy, you can work on skills such as communication and boundaries. You can explore your past to understand more about your sexual desires. Learning from a professional in an open and accepting space is sometimes exactly what’s needed. Mindfulness is another avenue to explore sexuality. For all the talk these days about the importance of embodiment, having sex might be the place where you most want to be aware of the sensations you are experiencing. In my experience, women in particular are likely to get caught in a cycle of performance that distances them from their own pleasure. It can be much easier to follow a script that has worked in the past rather than taking a risk to interrupt patterns. Getting clear on what your body is saying can be the first step to unpacking what may be not quite flowing.

Pleasure is the measure. Your sex life doesn’t need to pass any kind of test. If everyone involved is enjoying themselves, then that is enough. There is a lot of information that can help you orient and understand that you’re not alone, but at the end of the day the most important thing is that you feel connected to your own truth.

Westerners often don’t trust intuition let alone know how to access it. Intuition is a feeling rather than a thought process, and in western culture we are typically conditioned to have clear logical reasons for our actions. But we’re faced with countless choices over the course of a day, week, or year. Working with your intuition and including the subconscious processes that are constantly occurring is a great way to build connection and trust in yourself. When I first learned how to use my intuition, I felt freer to experiment. I realized that even with all the logic in the world, there’s no way to truly be certain. Working directly with my felt experiences added an enjoyable flow to my day – if there’s no right answer, I might as well enjoy the ride.

Connecting with your intuition means connecting to your body and unconscious. When I use the word intuition, I mean the felt sense of, “this is the way I want to move forward.” I don’t think of intuition as separate from logic, but rather a parallel process alongside it. I also don’t think of intuition as separate from feelings, as feelings are a wide range of sensations that aren’t all intuition. Intuition is the sum of all the inputs and information that allow me to come to a conclusion about what I want to do. Defined this way, every decision I make is based on intuition.

When I plan my day, I certainly consider the impact of traffic on my ability to get somewhere. That thought might fall more under logic, but I also pay attention to other signals. I may be passing near a store where I need to do an errand, but if I feel a sense of tiredness thinking about stopping, and it’s not urgent, I may decide to complete the errand another time. Logically, it may have made sense to stop, but following my intuition led me to a different conclusion.

Yet intuition is not always so simple to discern. If I feel dread about making a dentist appointment, that might not be my intuition. That might be fear, or memories of bad experiences. This is why intuition is tricky; we need to be familiar with ourselves in a way that we haven’t been taught to be.

So how do we become more familiar with our intuition? First, we must pay attention. You don’t need to change what you’re doing, just watch what’s already happening. How are you currently making decisions? What’s going on in your body before, during, and after? In addition to just noticing, you can take deliberate time to become familiar with yourself, like setting aside time to meditate or do yoga. In Untamed, Glennon Doyle (2020) describes her process of contacting what she calls “the knowing” – “Breathe, turn inward, sink. Feel around for the knowing. Do the next thing it nudges you toward. Let it stand (don’t explain).” (61).

Therapy can be one of the first places where you have the opportunity to slow down and wonder about what might be going on for you. Especially for larger decisions, this process can be difficult, uncomfortable, and discouraging, so it’s helpful to have a place where you can review and get support. Working with a therapist to break down why slowing down, noticing, or being in your body is difficult might also be the first step towards contacting your intuition.

At the end of the day, the point is not to maximize your correct intuitions — as convenient and wonderful as that would be. The point is to acknowledge that you are always taking in large amounts of information, and your unconscious is weighing in as well. Experimenting with listening to the thins your body is telling you is the first step. Maybe you don’t go to the dentist, and a year later a terrible pain in your tooth sends you in, leading you to realize that preventative care would have been preferable. Yes, that may not be “ideal,” but you’ve just acquired some valuable information about yourself. I would bet money that over time you would be able to discern the difference between “dentist dread” and “not my path dread.”

I know a horse trainer who says, “Any time the horse doesn’t do want you want, great, that’s information.” We are so caught up in thinking that we should be following a linear path to some specific place that sometimes we forget that just about all we have in this life is the journey. Rather than trying to logically, rationally do the “right” thing, can we learn to play with all of the information we are receiving. Giving attention to our bodies’ signals, even if we don’t follow them, pays enormous dividends over time.

References

Doyle, G. (2020). Untamed. The Dial Press.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a broad term that encompasses many different techniques and approaches. At its base, it encourages you to become aware of your internal and external world in the present moment (Sutton, 2019). This could come through becoming aware of your breath, but it could also be eating food slowly, movement practices like yoga, or simply doing the dishes. I first really delved into mindfulness in the middle of a breakup with my long-term boyfriend. I found the focus on the here-and-now a necessary component of keeping myself together when it felt like everything was falling apart. An essential feature of mindfulness is non-judgement as you learn to accept what’s happening (Sutton, 2019). For me, this meant being kind to myself when I noticed sadness or loneliness. Along these lines, and contrary to many popular notions, mindfulness does not necessarily lead to relaxation. Some techniques prompt responses that cultivate relaxation, but it’s just as possible that becoming mindful of your inner world will reveal heartbreak, excitement, or anger. In a world filled with distraction, the attraction to mindfulness practices has grown drastically. I noticed after several months of practice that mindfulness opened up a childlike wonder I hadn’t experienced in years. All of a sudden, I was noticing trees while walking my dog that I had passed for years and never really seen. But I was also discovering hidden realms of emotions I was sure weren’t there previously. That’s the thing about mindfulness: it’s all about discovery, and not everything that we find is pleasant. Trauma is one thing that may come to the surface as you start to inquire about your experience.

What is trauma?

Trauma is an event (or series of events) that overwhelms the nervous system and body. Importantly, events that are traumatic to one person may not be for another. Sometimes a person can experience dissociation because of trauma – essentially becoming separated from the ability to perceive their body. This can be an adaptive response (Levine, 2010). The wisdom of the body is saying, “I don’t know how to integrate this experience, so I’m not going to.” However, this adaptive response has a cost, and becomes maladaptive if the person does not learn how to integrate their experiences and trust in a certain amount of safety. Symptoms such as anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, detachment, overly rigid behaviors, impulsivity, or aggression could all be ongoing signs that indicate something is not quite right (DSM, 2013).

How do therapists use mindfulness in a trauma-informed way?

When someone is emotionally ready and has supportive structures in their life, the use of mindfulness can be a gateway to healing trauma. Mindfulness strategies can be used to help integrate experiences of trauma by working directly with whatever sensations are coming up. Cultivating awareness in the moment is the opposite of dissociation.

Mindfulness should be introduced slowly because the body has dissociated for a reason, and coming back too quickly could be too much. As the body reveals what’s been stored, it can be very overwhelming and potentially retraumatizing. Your rational mind may know it is 2023 and you are at home on your couch, but your body may be giving you signals that the traumatic event is happening right now. This is why it is crucial to have the support of a trained therapist who can guide you and help notice when you may need more support. Caution, slowness, trust, and the ability to ground are all very key when treading these waters.

If you feel that you may be ready to work through trauma and are interested in the use of mindfulness, please reach out to our team to schedule an appointment.

Sources:

Levine, P. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.

Sutton, J. (2019, April 9). What Is Mindfulness? Definition, Benefits & Psychology. Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-mindfulness/

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596